Step two: giving up the last 10%

Yesterday, I wrote about the Freedom Groups I joined while I was in college.

Fast forward about 4 years.

While living in Haiti, I heard the story of a woman who practiced Voodoo. When she gave her life to Jesus, she took down her voodoo idols but instead of getting rid of them, she kept them under her bed. Out of sight, out of mind. But still there. When asked why she didn’t get rid of them, she replied with a question. “Why do you have a spare tire on your car?”

“Just in case one of my tires stops working.”

“Exactly.” She went on to explain that she kept her idols just in case this whole Jesus thing didn’t work out. Just in case she changed her mind. Just in case she decided to go back to voodoo.

 

That’s me, I thought when I heard the story. By that time, I had stopped restricting (mostly) and found a healthy weight. I had decided not to pour myself into weight loss (mostly) and had given my eating disorder to God. Mostly. But I was keeping a little bit of it for myself. Just in case this whole recovery thing didn’t work out. Just in case I changed my mind. Just in case I decided to lose 10 pounds. Just in case I overate on Thanksgiving. Just in case I decided to go back to anorexia.

I thought of it as my last 10%. I had given God 90% of my eating disorder, but I wanted to keep just that last 10% for myself.

It got to the point where I knew I needed to give over that last 10%. Too much of my brain was still thinking about calories and weight. Too much of my mental energy was spent focusing on my body. Too much of my mental health was being compromised.

But I had no idea where to start.

 

Dear God, I wrote in my journal on October 28. I don’t know how to beat this thing. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to.

 

Then, on November 2, just five days later, it happened. The one thing I needed. The piece of the puzzle that had been missing for years. The invitation to say goodbye to the last 10%.

I know what happened that night, but not exactly how it happened.

One minute, I was lying in bed telling God that I had nothing new to say to Him. I had said it all a thousand time. Suddenly, something new washed over me. For the first time since I was 14 years old, I believed that I deserved to enjoy food and I deserved to be happy. For the first time since I was 14, I said that I wanted to love my body no matter what. For the first time since I was 14, I realized that complete freedom was possible. It was like my eyes were suddenly opened to the fact that I deserved freedom.

That night, I took up an entire journal page to write one simple sentence:

 

I’M DONE WITH YOU, ANA.

 

Then I pulled out my pile of Bible verse cards and right there on top was Ephesians 5:8-9

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth)

 

At that moment, I heard His voice as if He were standing beside me.

“I’ve known you could handle this all along. I’ve been waiting for you to believe it, too. You CAN beat this, and you will.”

 

I wish I could tell you that this moment was the end of the story. It wasn’t. Instead, it was the beginning of the end. I knew it was gonna take a lot of work to step into that complete freedom. And just on time, God gave me the tool that made it happen.

What was that tool? Come back tomorrow to find out!

Step One: Freedom Groups

 Let the stories begin! I’m so excited to share with you these intimate pieces of my heart.

Let’s start with context.

I developed my eating disorder my freshmen year of high school at age 14. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I started my first restriction diet; it snowballed so fast I barely remember how I went from eating intuitively to neck-deep in anorexia.

Fast forward to my senior year. After three and a half years of restriction. Three and a half years of wanting to starve myself into nothingness. Three and a half years of weight loss and compulsive exercise and depression and anxiety and self-harm. Three and a half years later, on January 22, 2009, after reading an entry in an online forum, I finally admitted to myself that I had an eating disorder. My journal from that day ends with the words, “Wow. Apparently, I have an eating disorder.”

I suppose that was the first step toward recovery, although it would be months before I even had hope that recovery could be my reality. The day before graduation was the first day that I wanted…I mean really wanted…to put my eating disorder behind me.

 Whew. Context complete. Now to the really juicy stuff. How did I go from wanting to recover to actually doing it?

 

Step one: Freedom Groups

 During my sophomore year of college, my church started their own version of Celebrate Recovery called Freedom Groups. I still remember the day I showed up there. What I was wearing. How I was feeling. My perfect plan for joining the group and talking about my problems in the vaguest of terms so that nobody would actually know what I was struggling with. And I still remember the first break-out session where I heard another warrior share her story and how that somehow gave me the strength to share mine.

Oh, what a powerful moment. Oh, how God used that moment to break chains. Oh, the light that pierced the dark. Oh, how amazing it felt to confess my deepest, darkest secrets to near-strangers and find that they loved me more because of them.

I found so much healing in Freedom Groups, and not even because of the curriculum. Sure, the steps were powerful, but it was the sessions with the other women that changed my life. That was the year I learned that it was okay to say I’m not okay. To let down my guard enough to let others in.

I’m not entirely convinced that anything changed in my eating disorder through Freedom Groups. I was at a healthy weight by then and didn’t think I needed to recover because I believed the lies that 1. Being at a healthy weight meant I was recovered, and 2. There’s no such thing as FULLY recovered. It wasn’t going to get any better than this. But maybe my time in Freedom Groups wasn’t about recovering from my eating disorder. Maybe it was more about becoming the person who would be ready to recover when the time finally came.

NEDA week 2022

 Get excited!! Today begins my favorite week of the year, NEDA week. For those of you who don’t know, NEDA week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week. Seven years ago, I did something really hard and really crazy and really freeing; I publicly shared my story of anorexia and some of my journey to being fully recovered and completely free. For those of you who weren’t around back then, I would absolutely love for you to read those old posts. You can find them beginning here. At the bottom left of the page, there is a button that says “newer posts.” Click that for the next day’s post. I think there are 7 or 8 each year.

https://myheart4haiti.blogspot.com/2015/02/not-everyone-with-eating-disorder.html

The following year, I did another series, which begins here:

https://myheart4haiti.blogspot.com/2016/02/recovery-is-worth-it.html

In 2017, I switched things up and started making videos, all of which are linked in this post:

https://myheart4haiti.blogspot.com/2017/03/national-eating-disorder-awareness-week.html

 

This year, I’m picking up the pen again to write not about my struggle with anorexia, but about the recovery process. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Everyone’s journey through recovery looks different. Some people do it with therapy and nutritionists. Some people do it in treatment facilities. Sometimes I wish that had been my path. Instead, I often journeyed in silence. I stumbled through the process, just God and me. When I finally let people in…even though it was just a few…is when I really turned a corner. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Those stories will have to wait. For now, I just want you to know that there is hope, there is healing, there is freedom. And there is no one-size fits all way to recover.

 

Get excited! This is gonna be an epic week!