Recovery is Worth It

Tears of anger and frustration burned in my eyes.  I told myself I could handle this, I thought.  I truly believed that I was strong enough to recover.  But I was only kidding myself. 

The familiar feelings of food-induced guilt and shame were starting to take over.  I fought back the tears that were threatening to spill from my watery eyes.  Crying wouldn’t solve anything.  Breaking down wouldn’t solve anything.  As a matter of fact, there was only one thing that could solve my current problem.

My walk turned to a run and before I knew it, I was in the bathroom, locking the door and turning on the shower for background noise.  Trying hard not to let myself think, I opened the toilet seat, closed my eyes, and prepared myself for the thing I told myself I would never do again.

I was never terribly successful at making myself throw up, but that night, as I leaned over the toilet gagging on my own fingers, I knew that this was not what I had in mind when I imagined recovery.  If this was what recovery looks like, I thought angrily, maybe it’s not such a good idea after all.  Maybe recovery isn’t worth it.

*   *   *

Last year, I was blessed to take part in a week-long blog series for National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  To me, a survivor of anorexia, NEDA week is about many things.  One of the most important things – the thing I want to highlight this year – is that there is hope for those who are struggling.  Hope that is real.  Hope that is available.  Hope that is worth it.

Did you catch that?  Let me say it again just to make sure.

RECOVERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER IS WORTH IT.

Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, “it was I who brought you up from Egypt and brought you out from the house of slavery.  I delivered you from the hands of the Egyptians and from the hands of all your oppressors, and dispossessed them before you and gave you their land and I said to you ‘I am the Lord your God; you shall not fear…’”

Judges 6:8-10

God spoke these words to the Israelites at a time when they needed to be reminded of God’s provision and deliverance.  He reminded them that He saved them from slavery and oppression and that He was their hope.

As I look back on my journey with anorexia and my journey through recovery, I feel God speaking these same words to me…it was I who brought you out from slavery.  I delivered you from the hands of anorexia.

There were times I didn’t think it was worth it.  There were times I thought I wouldn’t make it.  Thankfully, when I was willing to give up, God wasn't.  If you are struggling with an eating disorder (or ANY addiction for that matter!) I am here to tell you that God is bigger than your struggle.  His deliverance will get you through.