Step two: giving up the last 10%

Yesterday, I wrote about the Freedom Groups I joined while I was in college.

Fast forward about 4 years.

While living in Haiti, I heard the story of a woman who practiced Voodoo. When she gave her life to Jesus, she took down her voodoo idols but instead of getting rid of them, she kept them under her bed. Out of sight, out of mind. But still there. When asked why she didn’t get rid of them, she replied with a question. “Why do you have a spare tire on your car?”

“Just in case one of my tires stops working.”

“Exactly.” She went on to explain that she kept her idols just in case this whole Jesus thing didn’t work out. Just in case she changed her mind. Just in case she decided to go back to voodoo.

 

That’s me, I thought when I heard the story. By that time, I had stopped restricting (mostly) and found a healthy weight. I had decided not to pour myself into weight loss (mostly) and had given my eating disorder to God. Mostly. But I was keeping a little bit of it for myself. Just in case this whole recovery thing didn’t work out. Just in case I changed my mind. Just in case I decided to lose 10 pounds. Just in case I overate on Thanksgiving. Just in case I decided to go back to anorexia.

I thought of it as my last 10%. I had given God 90% of my eating disorder, but I wanted to keep just that last 10% for myself.

It got to the point where I knew I needed to give over that last 10%. Too much of my brain was still thinking about calories and weight. Too much of my mental energy was spent focusing on my body. Too much of my mental health was being compromised.

But I had no idea where to start.

 

Dear God, I wrote in my journal on October 28. I don’t know how to beat this thing. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to.

 

Then, on November 2, just five days later, it happened. The one thing I needed. The piece of the puzzle that had been missing for years. The invitation to say goodbye to the last 10%.

I know what happened that night, but not exactly how it happened.

One minute, I was lying in bed telling God that I had nothing new to say to Him. I had said it all a thousand time. Suddenly, something new washed over me. For the first time since I was 14 years old, I believed that I deserved to enjoy food and I deserved to be happy. For the first time since I was 14, I said that I wanted to love my body no matter what. For the first time since I was 14, I realized that complete freedom was possible. It was like my eyes were suddenly opened to the fact that I deserved freedom.

That night, I took up an entire journal page to write one simple sentence:

 

I’M DONE WITH YOU, ANA.

 

Then I pulled out my pile of Bible verse cards and right there on top was Ephesians 5:8-9

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth)

 

At that moment, I heard His voice as if He were standing beside me.

“I’ve known you could handle this all along. I’ve been waiting for you to believe it, too. You CAN beat this, and you will.”

 

I wish I could tell you that this moment was the end of the story. It wasn’t. Instead, it was the beginning of the end. I knew it was gonna take a lot of work to step into that complete freedom. And just on time, God gave me the tool that made it happen.

What was that tool? Come back tomorrow to find out!