Recovery is falling in love with life again

In my mind, beauty has always meant one thing: skinny.  By that definition, the girl on the left is definitely more beautiful than the girl on the right.

At 17, the girl on the left weighted just over 100 pounds.  She was skinny, fit, and strong.  She could do 30 push-ups and run for miles on end.  She had defined muscles, a flat stomach, and a thigh gap.  Yes, the girl on the left was skinny…but she was also miserable.

She smiled a lot, but it was fake.  She laughed often, but it was forced.  And when she crawled into bed, she cried herself to sleep every night, promising herself that everything would be better tomorrow…but it never was.

The girl on the left was obsessed with controlling the amount of food she put in her mouth.  If she ate less than 300 calories, it was a good day.  If she ate more than 500, it was a disaster.

The girl on the left was so ashamed of her body that she was absolutely terrified of doctors.  Even if it was only for a school physical, she had to be tricked into going.  Just the thought of having someone examine her body made her anxious and overwhelmed.

The girl on the left hated her body.  She weighed herself five to ten times a day, documenting every bite of food, every sit up, every mile, and every minuscule fluctuation in weight.  She considered lettuce a legitimate meal and when she failed to follow her diet, she had to punish herself…a rubber band snapping on her wrist for minor infractions and a razor blade to her skin when her actions called for more desperate measures.

The girl on the left was so desperate to be skinny that she would do just about anything to get there.  She wore sweatshirts in 100 degree weather to hide her body until she lost 5 pounds.  She had friends sneak her cigarettes to suppress her appetite.  She lied over and over again and occasionally she considered ending it all, just to make the pain go away.

5 years and 20 pounds later, the girl on the left became the girl on the right.

The girl on the right isn’t particularly skinny or fit, but she’s happy.

When the girl on the right smiles, it’s genuine.  When she laughs, it’s real.  And when she has a bad day, she goes to bed knowing that everything really will be better tomorrow.

The girl on the right eats healthy foods – she likes salads and yogurt and fresh fruit.  But she also eats fun foods.  She likes pizza and French fries and she has a sweet tooth for desserts.  She doesn’t count every calorie she puts in her mouth anymore.  And she’s better off for it.

The girl on the right isn’t buff or toned, but she has learned how to exercise for fun!  She dances because it feels good and it glorifies God – not because it burns calories.

The girl on the right may never be completely satisfied with her body, but she is learning to accept it.  She is learning to love it for what it was created to do.

The girl on the right would never again cut herself or hide under a sweatshirt or smoke a cigarette to lose weight.

Most of all, the girl on the right knows that no matter what she sees in the mirror or on the scale, she has a Father in Heaven who sees her as beautiful, perfect, and complete.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, know that there is life, joy, and peace waiting for you on the other side.  Jesus said, “Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love…These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be made full.” (John 15:9, 11)  I wish you knew how wonderful it is to abide in the fullness of Jesus’ love and joy.  I pray that someday soon, you will.