Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen smiled up
at me from the glossy pages of Cosmo Girl magazine. I pulled the magazine closer and studied the
two of them. MK’s lilac dress showed off
her perfectly thin arms and Ashley’s legs were simply to die for. Looking at them, I wondered if anyone in the
world was as beautiful as them. I
doubted it.
Taking my scissors, I cut out the
photo and placed it on top of a growing stack of magazine clippings.
The next page in the magazine was a
swimsuit ad. The blond model had glowing tan
skin and a gorgeous body. My eyes moved
from her flat stomach to her bright smile.
She looked happy and beautiful. If I were
skinny, I would be happy too.
When I finished cutting out all the
pictures of beautiful models and celebrities I could find, I moved to my bed
and pulled out my laptop. Opening google
images, I typed the word “thinspo” and watched as hundreds of images popped up
on the screen – girls with gracefully thin arms, rock hard abs, and the
ever-elusive thigh gap that I so longed to see in the mirror. In another window, I typed “pro-ana” into the
search engine and flipped through list after list of tips for how to ignore
food cravings, how to lie to get out of eating, and how to make it through a
7-day fast without giving up. I clung to
every picture and every word as if my life depended on it.
When I’m thin, I told myself, I’ll be happy.
I’ll be in control. I’ll be
perfect.
Idolatry is a strange concept in the
21st century. The word
usually conjures up images of golden calves and people bowing down to
statues. But the bottom line is that an idol is anything that takes the place of God in your heart. For me, “Ana” – the representation of all
things thin and (in my mind) beautiful – was that idol.
The book of Hosea tells the tragic
story of God’s people. It was God who
had always provided for the Israelites.
It was He who gave them grain, wine, oil, silver, and gold. But the Israelites abandoned Him and chose to
seek their needs in idols and false gods.
God was deeply pained to see His children turn away from Him, but He
didn’t force them to return to Him. He
waited patiently for them to see their need for Him.
I will go away and return to My
place until they acknowledge their guilt and seek My face; in their affliction
they will earnestly seek Me. (Hosea 5:15)
Throughout Israel’s disobedience and
idolatry, God showed His people tender love as He gently pursued them.
Therefore, behold, I will allure
her…and speak kindly to her…I will remove the names of the Baals [idols] from
her mouth, so that they will be mentioned by their names no more…I will betroth
you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in
justice. In lovingkindness and in
compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord. (Hosea 2:14-20)
It is startling to look back at my
eating disorder and realize just how much my story resembles the story laid out
in Hosea. It was always God who had
provided for me. But I stubbornly
insisted on pursuing anorexia instead of Him.
I needed love. I needed
acceptance. I needed sufficiency. And in my sinful mind, I thought it was Ana
who could give me those things. It took
pain and affliction – more pain and affliction than should be possible for a
teenage girl – for me to come to a place where I could earnestly seek God.
The Bible promises that “you will find [God] if you search for Him
with all your heart and all your soul” (Deut 4:29). Sometimes you take the long rout getting
there, but know that He is patiently waiting for you, ready to
bring you into His righteousness, His lovingkindness, His compassion, and His
faithfulness.
The Hosea passage you wrote is one of my favorites.
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