Running from myself. Running to God.

            Nothing existed except the feel of my feet pounding against the track, my breath coming in short painful gasps, and the feel of desperate exhaustion spreading through my entire body.

            Just one more lap, I told myself.  Just one more lap.

            Closing my eyes against the swirling darkness that was fogging my mind, I put on a burst of speed and finished the lap.  But I couldn’t stop.

            Just one more lap, I repeated and kept running.

            Numbers ran through my mind.  Cereal and milk – 150. Granola bar – 200. A handful of grapes from my friend’s lunch – 50.

            400 calories!  How did I let this happen?  I pushed myself harder still.  I had to burn those calories.  Would 3 miles make up for it?

With the last bit of strength I had, I sprinted toward the finish line.  The moment I crossed it, I dropped to my hands and knees, gasping.  My heart was pounding in my ears and the black fog was starting to take over.  I forced it away, refusing to pass out.  When I finally was able to stand again, I pushed my hair out of my face and looked up into the stadium bleachers behind me.  I had just enough time to do a stadium workout before cheer practice.

            I spent a huge part of my life running.  And I don’t mean running the school track or the desert trails behind my house.  What I was really doing was running from my problems…and running from myself.

            I hated my body, I hated my reflection, and I hated the person I had become.  And all I could think to do was to run from it all.  I don’t know if I would have ever stopped running from my problems if it hadn’t been for my high school youth group.  Nobody there knew what I was going through, but they stopped me from giving up hope during the hard times because they taught me how to keep my eyes on God and how to run to Him.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (Hebrews 12:1)

            The more I ran toward God, the more I desired to throw off everything that hindered me.  Even though I struggled to untangle myself from the sin of my eating disorder, I learned to seek God and persevere in the midst of it.

            I wasn’t always good at it.  I still tried to run from my problems and I tried to run toward “Ana” more often than not, but it was God’s strength and love that got me through.  It was when I focused my eyes on Him and His love – love to the point of death – that I saw His hope for a better future.