Confession: I am discouraged

I almost didn't post this blog.  I almost decided it was better to hide behind the cute pictures and happy smiles and "everything's great when you're a missionary" facade.  But then I decided that there's nothing more beautiful than being real and honest and broken.  So here's the blog post I almost didn't publish...

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If you look at my Facebook page, you'll see pictures of cute kids with big smiles and a happy teacher.  You'll see crafts and Bible verses, cupcakes and dance routines.  You'll see a whole lot of happy.

And all of that is true.

But what you see on Facebook is only 5% of my reality...and usually the best 5%.  What you don't see are the late nights I spend on my knees begging God for direction and not understanding why I can't hear His voice.  You don't see the fears and the heartache and the questions and the doubt.  You don't see the tears that make me human or the heart that makes me real.

So here I am - just me and my heart and a whole lot of messy honesty.  Because the truth is that right now, I am discouraged.

I'm discouraged because God has given me a vision.  It's an amazing vision, but a vision that not everyone shares.

I'm discouraged because I feel forgotten.  Because texts, phone calls, emails, and Skype dates are few and far between.  Because after three years, no one bothers to send cards or care packages anymore.

I'm discouraged because saying hello to something new means saying goodbye to something I love.  And I simply don't want to do that.

I'm discouraged because I don't feel brave or strong or inspiring or any of the other things I want for myself.

I'm discouraged because words of encouragement are scarce and I wonder if it's because I'm doing something wrong.

I'm discouraged because even though I haven't lived with depression for a very long time, there are days it still tugs at the corner of mind, trying to get back in.

I'm.  Just.  Discouraged.

And I hesitate to tell you all of this because I don't want you to think I'm complaining.  I don't want you to think I don't love my life.  I don't want you to think I can't handle everything God has blessed me with.

But I tell you it anyway because I want you to know that I'm human.  That I'm real.  That being a "missionary" doesn't make me a superhero.  And it certainly doesn't keep me from getting discouraged.