Recovery is believing in something better

  

          I stepped in front of the full length mirror and examined the reflection it showed me.  A lovely knee-length skirt coupled with a matching top.  Coordinating jewelry and flawless makeup.  I was ready for an evening out.

            And yet, I had to swallow the feeling of dread that was starting to rise up inside of me.

            What if it doesn’t work?  What if they see through the façade? No.  It had to work.  The outfit, the hair, the makeup – it had to be enough to convince everyone that I had it all together.

            It took all of my willpower, but I managed to wipe the look of exhaustion off my face.  I tried on a smile instead.

            Anyone else who had seen me at that moment would have said I looked lovely – but I didn’t see it.  Years of struggling with an eating disorder had trained me to hate my body and my reflection, no matter how put-together it looked to someone else.

            Well, I thought bitterly, this is as good as it’s gonna get.

            Although I was referring to my body, it was the same thing I believed to be true about my life: it was never going to get any better.

            For years, I believed that this life I was living – this hopeless, falling apart, struggling to keep my head above water, what-have-I-gotten-myself-into life – was the only thing out there for me.  Why bother hoping for something better?  Something better was never going to come.

           

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One of my all-time favorite Bible passages is Psalm 107.  It tells the story of God’s people as they struggled through life on their own.  They were hungry.  Thirsty.  Weary.  They were trying to survive without God.

There were those who dwelt in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in misery and chains…they stumbled and there was none to help.  Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble; He saved them out of their distresses.  He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death and broke their bands apart. (Psalm 107:10-14)

It wasn’t until the Israelites turned to God that their thirsty souls were satisfied.  It wasn’t until they humbled themselves before the Lord that they found healing, redemption, and freedom.  It wasn’t until they called on God that they found something better than the life they had been living.

Like the Israelites, I was dwelling in darkness.  The shadow of death seems like the perfect way to describe my life in the midst of my eating disorder.  But when I cried out to God, He was there with the same healing, redemption, and freedom that He had for the Israelites. 

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, know that God has something infinitely better for you.  He is the Light that will cast out the darkness and remove you from the shadow of death.  Cry out to Him.