Confession: I am discouraged

I almost didn't post this blog.  I almost decided it was better to hide behind the cute pictures and happy smiles and "everything's great when you're a missionary" facade.  But then I decided that there's nothing more beautiful than being real and honest and broken.  So here's the blog post I almost didn't publish...

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If you look at my Facebook page, you'll see pictures of cute kids with big smiles and a happy teacher.  You'll see crafts and Bible verses, cupcakes and dance routines.  You'll see a whole lot of happy.

And all of that is true.

But what you see on Facebook is only 5% of my reality...and usually the best 5%.  What you don't see are the late nights I spend on my knees begging God for direction and not understanding why I can't hear His voice.  You don't see the fears and the heartache and the questions and the doubt.  You don't see the tears that make me human or the heart that makes me real.

So here I am - just me and my heart and a whole lot of messy honesty.  Because the truth is that right now, I am discouraged.

I'm discouraged because God has given me a vision.  It's an amazing vision, but a vision that not everyone shares.

I'm discouraged because I feel forgotten.  Because texts, phone calls, emails, and Skype dates are few and far between.  Because after three years, no one bothers to send cards or care packages anymore.

I'm discouraged because saying hello to something new means saying goodbye to something I love.  And I simply don't want to do that.

I'm discouraged because I don't feel brave or strong or inspiring or any of the other things I want for myself.

I'm discouraged because words of encouragement are scarce and I wonder if it's because I'm doing something wrong.

I'm discouraged because even though I haven't lived with depression for a very long time, there are days it still tugs at the corner of mind, trying to get back in.

I'm.  Just.  Discouraged.

And I hesitate to tell you all of this because I don't want you to think I'm complaining.  I don't want you to think I don't love my life.  I don't want you to think I can't handle everything God has blessed me with.

But I tell you it anyway because I want you to know that I'm human.  That I'm real.  That being a "missionary" doesn't make me a superhero.  And it certainly doesn't keep me from getting discouraged.

International Women's Day - What I Want My Girls To Know

Today is International Women’s Day – a chance to celebrate women.  As I have been reflecting on this topic which I am so passionate about, I have been thinking about what I want to teach my female students about what it means to be a woman.  Because underneath the curly hair and school day ribbons, the blue uniforms, dirt-streaked faces, and skinned up knees, these five-year-olds are women.  And I want them to learn what that means.

I want my girls to know that they deserve respect.  That nobody has the right to treat them disrespectfully for any reason, including their gender.

I want my girls to know that they are strong and that strength has nothing to do with muscles.  Strength is standing up for what is right.  It’s loving completely.  It’s doing hard things.  It’s getting knocked down, standing up, brushing off the dust, and going back for round two.

I want my girls to know that there is hope.  Life is hard, particularly the life of poverty they have been born into.  But there is hope in the midst of it and there is also hope for a better future.

I want my girls to know that they are never alone.  That they will always have teachers, parents, siblings, and friends on their side.  Most importantly, they have a God who will never leave them or forsake them.

I want my girls to know that they can change the world.  Their stories, their opinions, and their voices matter, and if used properly, they can change the world for the better.

I want my girls to know that they can impact someone’s life.  Their struggles and hardships, their victories and triumphs.  By sharing these with others, they can have a lasting impact on another person.

I want my girls to know that they are beautiful, inside and out.  Their hearts, souls, and minds are beautiful.  Their skin, hair, and faces are beautiful.  Every inch of them is imprinted with the beauty of their Creator.

I want my girls to know that they are valued and loved.  No matter who they are, where they’ve been, or what they’ve done, they will ALWAYS be valued and loved beyond what they can possibly imagine.  There is a God in heaven who could never love them more or less than he does right now.

To be a woman is to deserve respect, to be strong, to have hope, to never be alone, to have the power to change the world and impact someone’s life, to be beautiful and valued and loved.

I celebrate International Women’s Day because I celebrate women and what it means to be a strong, beautiful woman.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

For the past two years, I have had the privilege of using my blog to share my story for National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  This year, rather than doing daily blogs, I decided to do daily videos.  If you missed seeing them on Facebook, you can check them out below!

Introduction - This video talks about why EVERYONE needs to be aware of eating disorders.  Yes, everyone includes YOU.  (You over there who thinks you aren't affected by eating disorders, I'm talking to you!)  Click here to watch.

Day 1 - This video discusses the most dangerous myth about eating disorders.  Click here to watch.

Day 2 - On day 2, I talked about hidden warning signs that aren't as obvious as we pretend they are.  Click here to watch.

Day 3 - What would it be like if we actually LOVED our bodies?  This video comes with a challenge to reconsider the way you think about and talk about your body.  Click here to watch.

Day 4 - A deeply personal but extremely important video about the role that exercise and self-harm play in eating disorders.  Click here to watch.

Day 5 - This video talks about the fact that recovery is possible, but it isn't one-size-fits-all.  These are some common barriers to recovery and how they can be overcome.  Click here to watch.

Day 6 - I have been told that a person never fully recovers from an eating disorder.  This is a MYTH!  Watch this video to hear about full recovery and COMPLETE freedom.  Click here to watch.

Day 7 - None of these videos matter if you don't walk away changed.  Here is a challenge for changing the way you think about, talk about, and interact with eating disorders.  Click here to watch.

To everyone who has supported me through NEDA week, to everyone who watched, commented, liked, and shared, to everyone who took the time to look at eating disorders with fresh eyes: THANK YOU.  I couldn't have done it without you.