What I didn’t know about being a missionary

Before moving to Haiti, I did my research. I went to cross-cultural training. I read books and articles and I questioned missionaries from all over the world. But even after all of that, there was so much I didn't know.

 I knew that working with orphans would break my heart, but I didn't know that I would lie awake at night and cry for Isabelle when her dad left and nobody wanted her. I didn't know the way it would feel to give food to 7-year-old Janeane, who wouldn't otherwise eat that day. I didn't know that I would meet a once-starving child and that my heart would explode with both pain and joy at the opportunity to feed her a bowl of spaghetti.

I knew that I would grow in my walk with the Lord, but I didn't know how completely and desperately dependent I would be on Him.  I didn't know that I would go to bed with sore knees because I had been on the rooftop praying for so long.  I didn't know that I would have literally no choice but to cry out to Him or that I would see Him show up in truly miraculous ways.

I knew that I would have to say goodbye to friends and family, but I didn't know that the goodbyes would never end - short term teams, interns, missionaries finishing out there time here. I didn't know that everyone who left would leave me with a gaping hole in my heart. I also didn't know that I would feel forgotten when people from the States didn't call or write...or that a simple card in the mail would absolutely make my day.

I knew that there wouldn't be some of the luxuries (and even necessities) that I enjoyed in the States, but I didn't know that at the beginning of the year, all of my classroom supplies would fit in a single plastic tub...or that one book would become a treasure to be cherished. I didn't know that I would go back to the States and find that the luxuries there are both genuinely satisfying and fundamentally disturbing.

I knew that I would take on extra roles, but I didn't know that being a missionary also means being an author, a public speaker, an accountant, a bus driver, a counselor, an events coordinator, a nurse, and a mom. I didn't know how bad I am at some of those things...or how good I am at others.

I knew that I would have a special relationship with the kids here, but I didn’t know that I would be the only one Isabelle would feel like she could trust when her world was crashing down around her.  I didn’t know that she would see me and smile in a way she doesn’t smile at anyone else – a smile that says ‘I feel so loved by you.’

There are so many things I have learned from living here.  Even though I usually learn these things the hard way, I'm glad I didn't know them before coming. Stumbling through the day and making it up as you go is hard, but it's worth it. It makes life interesting and fun.