I have a confession to make: Sometimes I hate Haiti

There.  I said it.  Now maybe I should explain.

I hate Haiti when I run out of cell phone minutes and can't find anyone to sell me more.

I hate Haiti when I can't sleep because it's so bright outside my window and I have to scrounge up all the drapes, sheets, towels, and shower curtains I can find to plaster my windows...and that's still not enough. All I want is to go to Target and get a legitimate set of drapes!

I hate Haiti when I want to buy a skirt but I can't get the price bartered down to a reasonable amount.

I hate Haiti when all I want is to have a normal conversation but I can't because I don't speak the language.

I hate Haiti when nobody tells me important times, dates, or changes and I'm completely out of the loop.

I hate Haiti when I have to crawl around a slanted rooftop to retrieve my freshly cleaned clothes (that are now dirty) because they were blown off the line by the wind.

I hate Haiti when everywhere I go I get stared at, pointed at, and yelled at.  News flash: my name is not Blan ("White").  My name is not Baby, Sexy, or Hey You, and it's definitely not that horrible kissing sound you make.

So there you have it.  A VERY abridged list of a few times when I hate Haiti (trust me, I could go on and on).  And after some of the things that have happened this week, I kind of want to be stubborn and end this blog post here, after having talked only about reasons I hate Haiti.

...But if I'm going to list reasons I hate Haiti, I suppose I should list a few reasons I love Haiti too.  Well, I gave you 7 reasons I hate Haiti...I think I'll give you a few more reasons I love Haiti.  Here are 12:

Christella, Bensly, Alix, Richardly, Leonard, Messy, Carly, Mackendly, Jessica, Midlan, Widline, Stevenson

And trust me, I could go on and on and on.

My Own Personal Parables

     I'm insecure.
     As a matter of fact, I'm one of the most insecure people I know.
     Sometimes I feel like I'm insecure about everything - from the way I look to the way I act to the way I walk.
     Yes...the way I walk
     Those who know me well know that I often say I walk like a goofy penguin.

     And then today I was watching 7-year-old Christella run.  It's so cute! She runs with her feet flying in every direction.  It makes me smile - I really just love it!
     As I was thinking about how much this simple act makes me smile, I started thinking...  What if Christella were insecure about the way she runs?  What if she were so insecure that she decided not to run?  Oh the things she would miss out on!  Tag, soccer, hide-and-seek, catching butterflies, the feel of the wind in her face, the feel of carefree freedom.
     In these thoughts, God spoke to me about how He sees me - the daughter that He created in His own image.  When He sees me - the way I look, the way I act, the way I walk - He falls in love with me over and over again.  He finds joy in those things.  The same things I am so desperately insecure about.

     How many wonderful blessings have I missed out on because of my crippling insecurities?  How many times has God said to me, "Go. Enjoy. Do." and I've held back because I was insecure?

     I love the way God uses my students as my own personal parables.  I feel blessed that I get to see myself through His eyes when I look at my children.

     The conclusion of this particular parable?
     Let it go.  Let go of all the insecurities that hold you back from My blessings.  Go.  Enjoy.  Do.  Run with your feet flying in every direction.  And take pride in it.  Because I love it when you do.

The Beautiful Truth

What is beauty?

For a long time, I thought I knew what beauty was.  I saw beauty looking out at me from magazine stands, TV shows, and cosmetic isles.

Now - after many years of striving after this "beauty" - I know that I can't find beauty in a mirror or in the number on a scale.

The Bible says that inner beauty is a gentle and quiet spirit.  But what does this inner beauty look like on the outside?  After seeing a picture of a beautiful friend, I think I know.

This friend wasn't wearing makeup or fancy clothes.  Her hair wasn't styled or elegant.  But she was so beautiful.

She was here in Haiti, sitting with one of the kids she came to serve.  Their smiles were big and bright and full of pure joy.  She was following God's call for her life - sacrificing, serving, and blessing others.

There is nothing more beautiful than that.

Haiti is expensive, and it's got nothing to do with money

What I mean is that Haiti costs a lot.  Haiti costs…

…My comfort

I can’t say I particularly enjoy bucket showers, unreliable power (if any), legs covered in bug bites, and a constant sunburn.

…My sanity

Trying to teach, barter, and generally communicate in Haitian Creole on a daily basis would drive anyone crazy at times.

#cabbage

…My looks

I know that true beauty is a gentle and quiet spirit.  But as a woman, I think I’m allowed to say that no-makeup and frizzy hair don’t exactly say physically attractive.

…My love life

Not that I have one.  But sometimes I can’t help but think…What guy can possibly handle living in Haiti for the rest of his life??  ((It’s not true of course.  If God calls me to live in Haiti, He will call my future husband to live there, too.  But I still think about it.))

But the thing about following God’s call is that it’s worth it.  When I go to Haiti, and I dance with Janide, and I listen to Rit read, and I get kisses from Laisa, and I play hopscotch with Lovna, I know it’s worth it.

And even though I have to give up my comfort, my sanity, my looks, and my love life, I don’t mind.  Because there’s no better place to be than in the center of God’s will.

I want to live like Hermione

     Those of you who aren't into Harry Potter, just bear with me.

     When we first meet Hermione, all we see are "books and cleverness."  She is devoted to her school work and dedicated to learning.  But there's so much more to Hermione than that.
     One of my favorite things about Hermione is that she is a warrior.

     Hermione takes what she knows, what she's learned, and what she believes and uses it to fight for truth.
     She isn't afraid to go into battle.  She is devoted to others and dedicated to protecting them.  She loves with her whole heart and sacrifices her own safety and happiness for others.

     She's not flawless.  There are insecurities and doubts beneath that curly blond hair.  That's what makes her human.  That's what makes her real.  Like in the Forest of Dean...

     Goodness knows I have insecurities and doubts.  Sometimes I just want to stay where I am.  Settle down and grow old in the comfort of safety and certainty.  But that's not what God calls me to do.

     He calls me to be a warrior.

     He calls me to be devoted to Him and to others and He calls me to be dedicated to fighting for Truth.
     God has already proclaimed victory over sin and death, but Satan, the Voldemort of this world, is still at large.  Just as Hermione rose to the occasion so many times, ready to fight evil in the name of truth and love, I am rising to the occasion.  I am ready to make sacrifices in order to bring God's truth to the people I love in Haiti, who are still under Satan's influence.  I am ready to fight for them.

     That's why I want to live like Hermione.

What is wisdom?

Wisdom.  That word keeps popping up.  But what is wisdom?
According to SPLASH, our Wednesday night children's program, wisdom is knowing what God wants you to do and doing it. Easier said than done.

I was reading a children's book to my kindergartner today.  It is an African tale of a rabbit, Zomo, who goes to Sky God and asks for wisdom.  But when Sky God replies, he says that wisdom is not something to be given away at will.  No, Zomo must earn wisdom by accomplishing 3 impossible tasks.

How blessed we are that our God - the one true God of the universe - is not like the fictional god in this story.  Our God says that "if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5)

Wow! All we have to do is ask!

Today, I am thanking God for the wisdom He has granted me in my journey toward Haiti.  Just a week ago, it seemed as though things were falling apart.  I did not have nearly as much financial support as I had thought and I wondered if I would be funded any time in the near future.  There was disappointment, yes, but more troubling was the fact that I didn't know what to do from there.  I had made all of my plans under the assumption that I would be fully funded by Christmas.  I had planned on moving home, finishing up everything that needed to be done before leaving, and then around the end of January moving to Haiti.  But without the support...what was I to do?

It's hard to know what it is that God wants you to do.  Nowhere in the Bible does it say, "Erin, I want you to buy a plane ticket to Haiti on January __."  No, that would make life far too easy. Instead God tells us to ask for wisdom with a faith that believes He will give it.  And He does.

I now have peace about my decision to move home and continue to pursue my goal of leaving at the end of January.  I'm trusting His timing and choosing to follow His path (uncertain though it may be).  And I know that He will take care of the rest.

Not a missionary

     I went to "missionary training school."  I'm considered an official church missionary.  When I told one woman about my work in Haiti, she excitedly turned to her husband and exclaimed, "Erin is going to be a missionary!"
     But I'm not.
     I'm not a missionary and I don't want to be.
     Here in America, I'm a teacher.  My life is dedicated to loving children for Christ.  I help kids with homework, teach dance, and tell people what Jesus did for them on the cross.
     In Haiti, I'll be a teacher.  My life will be dedicated to loving children for Christ.  I will help kids with homework, teach dance, and tell people what Jesus did for them on the cross.
     But I won't be a missionary.  I'll just be me.